I wasn't completely sure if I was going to share this post, since it's so personal. But here it goes... A little background of where I am right now. Today is Wednesday, August 30, 2017. My husband and I celebrated our four-year wedding anniversary this past June, and we've known each other for eight-and-a-half years. This past weekend was a very difficult weekend for me, as it marked our 5th CD1 (cycle day 1) in the past six months. For those of you who don't speak the trying-to-conceive (also called TTC) language, this is our sixth month trying to get pregnant and I'm not pregnant at the time of writing this.
This is the sixth month I've stared at pregnancy tests thinking I see a second line that's not really there. This is the sixth month I've thought of what life would be like in nine months if it ended up being the month. This is the sixth month I've blamed my body for not doing what my teachers made sound so easy in my ninth-grade health class. This is the sixth month I've struggled (and many times failed) to hold back tears thinking of could have been. This is the sixth month I've had to tell my husband we're still not pregnant. This is the sixth month I've wondered if I'll ever get pregnant. This is also the sixth month we've been telling family and friends were trying to conceive.
I've learned something through those conversations with family and friends... I'm not the only one who's had a sixth month. I've learned of ladies who I thought got pregnant right away and it actually took a year, two years, and even longer to get pregnant. Some people have opened up to me about the miscarriages I never knew they had. I've spoken to a couple who were told they would never get pregnant, and ended up having the most wonderful surprise of their lives and conceived naturally years later. I've learned I'm not alone. I've also learned that many women don't share of their struggles getting pregnant when it's happening.
We are told at a young age that you can get pregnant so easily and you need to use protection. Sadly, when you're an adult, you learn that while that's true for some people, it's not true for all. There are thousands of couples out there right now wishing, hoping, thinking, and praying that this is their month... and it won't be... Because of the stigmas around TTC in our society, it's embarrassing to talk about the struggle.
So why am I writing this post even though I'm not sure if I'll share it? Because, I want to be open about our struggle, but I'm also scared to share it. I want other women (and couples) to know they're not alone. I also, slightly selfishly, want to remind myself that I'm not alone. However, I'm scared to share my own story, because I know there are people who have struggled with way more for much longer. There are couples who have spent thousands of dollars to try IVF and had embryo transfers fail. There are women who have had a seemingly healthy pregnancy end in stillbirth... So, what gives me the right to share my story when we've only been trying for six months? I don't have an answer for that...
In the end, I strongly believe every women (and couple) should not feel alone if they're struggling to get pregnant. I know what it's like to dream of the day you see those two pink lines on a stick covered in pee. It's not easy, and sometimes you need someone other than your partner to talk to so you don't feel like your the only ones going through this. I want to open up this door into our lives. I want to let you know that if you're also struggling, I'm here to talk.